ASSUMICIDE

I want to talk about something that I believe many of us struggle with or are bothered by. I found the perfect word and picture online that fits what I so often witness as a Christian. The word is Assumicide. I'm hoping something I write in this blog will help us deal with it. What is assumicide?? It happens when false assumptions are made about others so that they are portrayed in the worst possible light. Relationships are killed by it! If we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we are creatures that are sometimes prone to be suspicious and therefore assumptive. When we become offended or hurt, we immediately begin to "assume" or look for evidence that someone did us wrong. I cannot say everyone reading this blog is guilty, but I can tell you I have been. Have you ever assumed at any time in your life that someone had it in for you for whatever reason? Assumicide leads to the death of relationships because we end up believing the worst about others. I know of at least four people who have written me (no one from this blogging group) with their own suspicions about others and have asked my opinion as to why the other person is assuming falsehoods. Some of the assumptions have been way out there! We have all been guilty at one time or another of drawing wrong conclusions on the basis of tiny scraps of evidence. Look at these statements:
1. She didn't call back so it's evident in my mind she must not want to talk to me.
2. She didn't respond to my post on FaceBook so she must have de-friended me.
3. How could he possibly be a Christian when he drinks beer?
4. I saw her in a bar. She must be an alcoholic or looking for a pick-up.
5. The way it looks I'll bet they are sleeping together.
6. He's probably a jerk at home too.

If you are a victim of assumicide (which I have been more times than I can count on all my fingers) it's very hard to fight back against false assumptions because once a person has formed an opinion, they like to stick with it. Few things hurt more than being misunderstood by our close friends. The closer they are to us, the greater the pain. When that happens we discover a lot about ourselves. How we respond when we have been misunderstood tells a great deal about the depth of our Christian faith. Just remember this ... it always starts over something small: someone didn't answer our email, didn't invite us to their party, we heard they said something negative about us, they suddenly seemed cold when they used to be glad to see us, etc. Little things. Small stuff. Petty complaints. Congregations have split and friendships have ended over things that started very small but grew all out of proportions. Believe it or not, this happened to the apostle Paul. I saw it in the book of Corinthians. If you read 1 and 2 Corinthians closely you will see how Paul responded to a misunderstanding that threatened to destroy a friendship and a local church. Paul planned to go to Macedonia and then to Corinth (1 Cor 16: 5-7), and even said: "if the Lord permits"(1 Cor 16:7). But guess what? That trip never took place. He later planned to do the opposite: go to Corinth THEN Macedonia (2 Cor 1:15-16)..."I planned to visit you first so that you might benefit twice"(verse 15). Then? He actually decided to postpone his trip altogether. "I decided that I would not bring you grief with another painful visit" (2 Cor. 2:1). Because of this, Paul's opponents used his changing plans as a way to attack his credibility! They were guilty of assumicide. Watch this: "See, you can't trust him. He calls himself an apostle, he says he's coming but he never shows up." They assumed he wasn't trustworthy and basically labeled him an outright liar. That was a huge problem for them. Before knowing all the facts they assumed the worst of Paul. I mean, keeping your word is hugely important for all of us of course, but especially for spiritual leaders. It's all about integrity, consistency, proving yourself trustworthy, showing up on time, and doing what you said you would do. If people feel they cannot count on you, how will they ever listen to what you have to say? Note! Paul did not lie to them, there was no deception, he didn't ignore them out of anger, etc. What did Paul do about these assumptions? He answered them in three parts: "My conscience is clear" (verse 12). "I haven't hidden anything from you" ( verse 12). "I haven't tried to deceive you" (verse 13). [Beatitude: "Blessed is the man who has nothing to hide."] How does this apply to us? I had to think this through.

If you read those scriptures again, Paul never tried to hide his change of plans. It's true he changed his mind several times, but whether or not the Corinthians understood it, in reality, his only concern was for their welfare though they assumed differently. Paul stated, "Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm" (2 Cor 1:24). Paul was expressing his love for the Church, and then he simply said, "I am not afraid." Paul was honest, open, and meant no harm, but some people will choose to misunderstand no matter what we say or do. Sometimes there's just nothing to say but, "My conscience is clear." When you've been the victim of assumicide, sometimes all you can do is rest your reputation with the Lord. When others twist your words, do not despair. Speak the truth, explain yourself clearly, then entrust your future with God! It is God that knows you through and through, it is Christ who has anointed you, sealed you, revealed the Holy Spirit and promised to guide you. If you trust in Him, the time of chaos will pass and you will be stronger for having gone through the struggle. In the meantime, our motives may be challenged. And as hard as this may be for some to hear, we really cannot solve every problem people have. Some people won't listen. Some people love to argue. Some people already have their minds made up. Some people have an answer for everything! It was the same in Corinth. People haven't changed. As I understand it, the church at the time was so divided with factions, and because Paul had already sent them a very stern and painful letter as tears streamed down his face, he knew the situation was inflamed so he decided not to go to Corinth. I'm fascinated by the way the passage ends though. Paul wrote, "I wrote that letter in great anguish, with a troubled heart and many tears. I didn't want to grieve you, but I wanted to let you know how much love I have for you" (2 Cor 2:4). WOW! Does that sound like a liar? A man lacking credibility? A man hiding something? A man of anger?

In closing, keep in mind we will be misunderstood by our friends and the best defense is always an honest, clear, non-defensive explanation. We cannot control how people will respond to us, so pray for those who misunderstand you. Scripture is clear, we must not return evil for evil even though it's hard to do especially when your motives are repeatedly attacked! But, we are to be like our Lord, who, when He was attacked reviled not. It's going to happen and that will be a real test of your faith. You will find out what you really believe when others mistreat you. Sometimes the real test of your faith is what you DON'T DO. Sometimes you'll be a better Christian by not saying anything at all. So what's the trick? How can you do this? The answer is in 1 Peter 2:23, "He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly." So trust God to handle the ending! I have used the following statements (speaking under my breath!) on many occasions when I've been so sorely misunderstood: "It's not about me. It's not about now. It's all about God. It's all about eternity." You will find that as a follower of Jesus you will not only be misunderstood by the world but by other Christians as well! May God give us the spirit of Jesus that we might walk in His steps, forgive others who assume and attack our best intentions, and have the faith to leave it in God's hands to handle as needed.
Until next time,
-Pat-